I try half heartedly because some intrinsic force makes me want to complete the day.
From my hair follicles down to my untrimmed toe nails I feel some dull desire,
throbbing in my brain. Get up. Make coffee, make sustenance , make yourself look better to face the world, scrub out the grime that seeps into your pours. Get up, face the faces jeering at you through impoverished eyes on the street corner making you guilty for being alive. Face the men that grin when I ride by on my scooter, with their leathered skin and lustful eyes. It makes me want to shower at least ten times a day. When I get home I can never fully scrub the filth of humanity out of my skin. But oh yes I'm getting ahead of myself, I haven't even begun the day yet. I then drag myself out of bed and rummage through the cabinet for my so called medicine. Medicine? "(medicine) something that treats or prevents or alleviates the symptoms of disease" Apparently sadness and nervousness is a disease the only shitty thing is, I still feel it and I need to. It helps me appreciate happiness more and more. I need to be sad whether people like it or not. What is up without down?What is cause without effect? The doctors say it help from anxiety but then I look in the mirror and the side effects from the "Medicine" are depressing as hell. I have noticed in the past year changes I could not have made on my own and although my diet nor exercise routine has changed, I gain weight. I feel as if I am slowly being engulfed by mounds of lard. I strive to maintain a healthy state but it's difficult when modern medicine views intelligence as anxiety. But I'm not one to say no, so I take it. I grin and bear it and bear it and bear it. And hope til tomorrow that today will be different. That I will meet my sunshine or at least find it. It's 3 am and I finally gave in and took a tylenol pm at 2. I hope my dreams are better than this note. Goodnight?
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